Posts tagged Life

Yesterday my acupuncturist told me that I had “every right to be frustrated and exhausted.” And that, frankly, if I wasn’t, he’d be much more worried about me.

Sigh….

I really appreciate the validation of my emotional and physical states. BUT, it’s even more frustrating and exhausting to know that my life is genuinely this challenging right now.

All in all, I think I’m dealing pretty well - given that these past two months have been so insane. My support mechanisms are really working for me. But, as things progress, I can feel myself getting closer and closer to that breaking point. Honestly, I can’t believe I haven’t reached it yet! But, I know it’s there, and it’s real, and it’s not as far away as I’d like it to be. Fundamentally, though, I’m just plain exhausted. I’ve been tired for a long time, and some times are better or worse. But right now, I have purple circles permanently installed under my eyes. I honestly need a months vacation.

I feel like so many important things in my life are up in the air right now. I’m waiting to hear back from job interviews. And, I’m waiting to find out what my ovaries are doing. Both of these situations have huge, life-changing consequences attached to them. We have decided, pretty much, not to move, so at least that craziness has been eliminated. We have also decided that we’d like to avoid surgery right now, if at all possible. It’s just too much for me - I’m not in a strong enough place today. I do feel like I have lots of options, which also means lots of decisions to make. DH and I are doing pretty well at talking things over, and he’s being so supportive. Our new couples therapy is amazing, and is helping us so much.

I’m also realizing that this grieving process - infertility, miscarriage, and the potential hiatus from treatment - is an ongoing process. I’m going to have bad/sad days for a while. I had thought the last cycle and the loss weren’t affecting me so much. Then Mother’s Day hit me right in the face. Ouch. I think I’m getting closer to accepting that there will be mournful days. And when they happen, I can recognize them, wallow, and then move on when I’m ready.

And, I’m finally admitting how frustrated I am that even IVF hasn’t gone how I wanted it to. I had thought I would be able to do three cycles by now, and get them all covered by my insurance before I leave my job. But, no. In 5 months I’ve only done ONE! And it ended in a loss. So damn frustrating. And now, I may have to have surgery before even being able to do IVF again; forget about TTC naturally! AURGH.

There’s just so much… I’m scared that my cyst will still be there, and I’ll be diagnosed with endo. I’m scared that it will be gone and I’ll be doing IVF again next week. (Ok, I’m excited about that, too.) I’m scared that I won’t get either of these jobs, and will feel like a complete failure at life. I’m scared that I’m not really ready to pursue adoption seriously. I’m scared of taking a break from treatments, and that it will just cause more trauma and not the relief I’m desperately craving. I’m scared to keep going, too.