Since I “became infertile” a lot of things have changed. Obviously, one of the major changes has been my (in)ability to interact with the fertile world in a “normal” way. Online social networks make this really challenging sometimes. Some recent tweets have inspired me to share how I approach some of these now-tricky, and emotionally difficult, situations. My underlying philosophy (developed with my therapists support) is that I need to protect myself emotionally in different ways than I used to, and I refuse to feel guilty about that.

Facebook

It’s the devil. As soon as you start to suspect that you may not be able to produce one of those little cuties as immediately as your girlfriends, seeing their belly pics and baby pics (and lord help us, ultrasound pics), every single day makes signing-in feel like an emotional land mine. What do I do? I hide people. Without hesitation and without regret. Click. And, that’s that.

Yes, my wall has been reduced to mostly my child-free friends, my family, and a few random co-workers. Is FB as much fun as it was before? No. Do I cry every time I log in? NO. And, if I’m feeling up to it, I can check in on Laura from high school and her three gorgeous babies who seem to get cuter every year. But, I don’t have to see them every single day. Do I do this with family, too? Some of them. We can stay in touch in other ways. And, you can always unhide people when you’re in a better head space. Bottom-line, they will never know and you’ll spare yourself at least some of those painful moments.

Of course, some women I know have deleted their accounts. I think that’s an awesome approach. I seriously considered this, but decided to work on reducing how much I log in. In stead of four or five times a day (or, like, thirty) I log in four or five times a week. I miss a lot, and I’m ok with that.

Twitter

*Gasp!* Yes, even on Twitter I create baby-free, pregnancy-free spaces for myself. I’ve been in this community for nearly two years now, and I am grateful for all of my tweeps. But, just like IRL, I’m not up to hearing about pregnancies, BFPs, ultrasounds, in-utero kicks, or newborns every day. I sought out Twitter to have a safe place to talk with other women who are dealing with what I’m dealing with. And, I’m not pregnant or parenting yet. Of course, when you start following hundreds of women trying to get pregnant, a bunch of them are going to get pregnant. Then what?

I created lists. I have “parenting” “pregnant” “adoption” and “TTC” lists in my Twitter account. So, I can follow the general feed that shows me everyone. Or, I can go right over to “TTC” to check in on my friends who are waiting and cycling. Then, when I’m up for it, I can check in on those who are expecting and hear the stories about babies first solid foods or baby shower plans. I keep these lists “private,” which means no one can see who’s in what list but me. Again, I’m trying to keep this as guilt-free as possible for myself.

I also unfollow people. I know this is tough for a lot of us. (Especially in light of that stupid “I know who unfollowed me” app.) I honestly believe this shouldn’t be a big deal. Twitter is our support group. If you were going to a Resolve support group, and a member became pregnant, they would no longer attend the meetings. It’s a pretty straightforward policy that makes a lot of sense. Yes, I know that infertile preggos still need support. I also don’t think I have an obligation to provide that support. Sometimes, I can. I’m in a good spot, and I want to be there for someone. Other times, it’s just too damn much. And, that’s ok, too. I don’t need to make myself feel bad that I’m not up to following the dozens of success stories out there while I’m still struggling.

We all came to Twitter looking for support. That means something different for each of us. If you’re someone who is genuinely joyful and inspired by the success of those around you, god bless. But, if you’re feeling like it’s just too much to follow a newly pregnant tweep, I say that unfollowing is logical, and sometimes a smart thing to do.

I know that I - and I bet I’m not alone here - kind of torture myself emotionally with other people’s pregnancies and kids. I’ll click on the u/s pictures if I see them, read the posts about feeling the first kick, the birth stories. And I’ll cry my face off. I’ll go on Facebook and look through the album of newborn pics someone posted, noting the glowing faces of the grandparents holding the baby for the first time. I call this “emotional cutting.” I bet we all do, once in a while.

All I’m saying is that it’s ok to let go of some of these online relationships. It’s not bitter. It’s not mean. You can be supportive in other ways for those people in your life who are important to you. I hope that we can all give ourselves a break when it comes to building up our coping mechanisms to deal with our infertility online, guilt-free.