This is More Personal

Tomorrow night I’m going to the mikvah. (What’s a mikvah? you ask. Here’s a pretty good description.) I’ve gone to the mikvah twice before - once for my conversion, and once before my wedding. This time, I’m going to symbolize moving on from my life of “TTC” and prepare myself for the next phase of life and our adoption journey. 

I need to write out my intentions for this ceremony. Which I’ve been avoiding for quite a while… I don’t feel completely *ready* for this, but I think it’s the right time. Ya know? I’m hoping that this will help me sort out some of the emotions I’ve been having about this transition, and life in general.

• I want to honor my infertility.
• I want to honor my intentions to create life and have a child. 
• I want to honor the life that we lost.
• I want to honor the pain we’ve survived. 
• I want to honor my husband for his strength and support. 
• I want to honor my body, and respect it.
• I want to heal my body, which has been broken and abused.
• I want to heal my spirit, which has been lost and disconnected.
• I want to heal my heart, which has been shattered again and again.
• I want to move past some of the loses and grieving I’ve done. 
• I want to prepare myself for the journey ahead of me - adoption.
• I want to accept myself and my life. 
• I want to recommit myself to my marriage.
• I want to recommit to myself, and finding the strength to live a life of joy and fulfillment. 
• I want to feel whole again. 

My new gynecologist sent me for another round of testing to see what’s going on with my wacky reproductive system. I was on month three of spotting (which has never happened before), and on month two of BCP. Part of me still wants answers. Part of me still wants to ignore all of this. She sent me to an endocrinologist (not the reproductive type), and to a radiologist for an ultrasound. Good news - the second type of BCP is working well! I don’t feel crazy, and my PMS seems totally normal again. Thank the good lord. More good news - there is nothing wrong with my thyroid. Completely normal. Not even border line a little bit. (Annoyingly, the endocrinologist spent a lot of time telling me that I should come back for more testing when I’m pregnant, and after giving birth. Did you listen to anything I said, dude?) I guess I should be happy that my thyroid isn’t causing my infertility or wacky cycles, but I’m just not. I’d prefer an answer. Preferably one with a solution. 

The not so good news: the u/s confirmed that there’s something officially weird on my right ovary. This is not news to me; it’s been there in every single u/s I’ve ever had. Sneaky little bugger. But, now the gyno wants me to get an MRI to check it out further. UGH. I was really not expecting this at all, and it hit me hard. I consulted Dr. Google, which I never do, and I really don’t think it’s ovarian cancer. But, the word “benign” has been used, which causes immediate concern in my world. Ugh to the max. The up side is that I was going to ask for an MRI, as they can be used to diagnose certain types of endometriosis, according to my u/s technician. So, hopefully we can do a two-for-one deal.

To add to this delightful scenario, I apparently have a deductible for this type of procedure and will have to shell out about $1500-2000 for the MRI. And that’s for in-network. Eff that. 

So, although I’m no longer trying to involve my body in family building, it’s still dragging me along - test after test. I must say, I’m goddamn over this. 

I can’t believe it’s taken me a week to write this post, but I am still so excited and proud to announce that our NIAW team #hope fundraiser was a fantastic success!!

Drum roll, please….. 

• 16 people bought #hope tees, donating $5 each: $80
• I matched each of those $5 donations: $80
• Friends and family donated $635 directly to Resolve!
• I matched $5 of each of their donations: $60

Total amount raised for Resolve.org during National Infertility Awareness Week through our team #hope fundraiser: $855

AMAZING!

I know how much I love this community, and how much Resolve.org has helped my husband and I throughout our journey. I am so thankful for all that they do for the infertility community - from information resources to support groups to political advocacy. Incredible. I am so so thankful to everyone who contributed to the fundraiser. Thank you. I can’t wait to see you all wear your #hope tees with pride!