It’s been a while since I’ve posted an update, and a lot of things have quietly progressed in moving me (us) away from my (our) life as an infertile, and towards whatever my (our) life “after” infertility will be.
- We cleaned out the fridge, and donated all of our unused IVF meds, syringes, and sharps containers back to the clinic to distribute to patients who don’t have insurance coverage for them.
- I canceled my appointment with the RE, and I’m officially transferring my health care back to my gynecologist.
- Which means, I WENT BACK TO MY GYNECOLOGIST. If you were on Twitter, you probably witness my not so subtle freak out/melt down yesterday morning. It’s been over two years since I’ve been in that office, and I certainly did not intend to go back under these circumstances. So, there were tears and anger and frustration; it was inevitable. But, I survived, and am moving on.
- My gyno and I developed a plan for dealing with my awful awful PMS, and endo symptoms. I am going back on BCP. I had an u/s at the appointment, and big surprise, the right ovary is doing something weird. So, I’ll go to a radiologist in 6 weeks to have another super-fancy u/s. I’m really glad we’re monitoring things, cause these ovaries are really not behaving. I am also going to go to an endocrinologist - the spotting I had two months ago concerned her a little, and we started talking about my thyroid, and decided to have some tests just to see what’s going on. I think this is a really smart idea, and I probably should have done this years ago. Finally, I asked about the endometriosis specialist a Tweep recommended to me, and the doc said he was fantastic and I should definitely make an appointment when I’m ready. Even though the gyno appointment got off to a rough start, I am happy with this plan.
So, basically, we are officially not trying to conceive anymore. I am on the pill. I am no longer a patient at a fertility clinic.
It’s weird. It’s hard. Harder than I thought. And that doesn’t mean that I wish I was getting treatments again, or that I am doubting our adoption decision. TTC and infertility have been a huge part of my life for the past three years. THREE YEARS. Infertility defined me for the past two years. (I hate to say that, but it’s true.) I put everything I had into understanding what was wrong, and how we could treat it. I put literally everything I had into trying to make a baby.
That’s over for now. Officially.
Obviously I’m of the “once infertile, always infertile” persuasion. I know my infertility isn’t something I can forgot or move on from completely. But, I am not trying to get pregnant anymore. Not even the tiny little 1% chance we have each month, on our own.
This is a new phase. A new adventure. I accept this. I am ready for it. This is absolutely the right thing.
But, I’m still saying goodbye to that life I envisioned. Goodbye to the person I’ve been for the past three years. Goodbye to a part of myself.